It’s over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Winner has been chosen and contacted.
Thanks to everyone that entered.

Stay tuned here and to SexToys.com blog for more contests!

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You are NOT going to believe this.
Really.
In fact if I wasn’t the one making this happen, I probably wouldn’t believe it.

You know that old saying, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is?”
Fuck that quote. They never had my smut peddling job.
But the reality is that I sit here staring at what seems like a never ending mound of shit to give away. I made a little dent with the masturbator contest, gave away fake vaj after fake vaj. But there’s still four left. And at some point my boss gave me a pile of porn which I started throwing in and that was barely making a dent. And yesterday she dropped a bunch of flavored condoms and some condom kit on my desk. Will it ever end?!?!?

So since I’m lazy, I thought why not give it ALL away, AT ONCE…

Here is it:

• Four masturbators (Shay’s Deep Throat Adventure, Shane’s World Virgin Stroker, Handy Humpers Collection: Doggystyle, Bad Seed Miso Horny DVD & Asian Pussy Stroker)
• DVDs (Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy too many to name. But there’s all parts of a few different series here. I’m gonna break the winner off with 25.)
• Three Trustex flavored boxes of condoms (Two strawberry, one grape)
• Pipedream’s Safe Sex Kit

Now it’s tough to price it out, because who can put a number on a rubber toy like the Virgin Stroker that is a “Soft, life-like masturbator with intact hymen.”? I did come up with a ballpark figure for what this is all worth and it comes in at $1.36 bajillion.

I am going to include the rules below, but here’s how I am going to do it. There is NO DEADLINE for the contest. I am going to pick a winner after I have 253 entries. Why 253? Because it’s my contest. It behhooves you then to tell your friends to enter. Retweet this on Twitter, link to me on blogs, post on your Facebook or MySpace.
I will update the number of entrants daily below.

7/8/10 number of entries:
253!!!!

Send me an email at faketwats@sextoys.com to enter. And since this worked well last time, do me a favor and make your email interesting. Since I am trying to give YOU a pornocopia of free shit, how about giving ol’ Chris Smutjawns something? Tit shot, funny joke, something. Entertain me and I will entertain you.

And I want to clear this up from Jump Street. I am not collecting your emails. You won’t have your info sold to a third party. In fact, I don’t even collect it other than to register you for entering.

And don’t thank me. I’m not giving you guys this stuff out of my pocket. It’s all compliments of the sex toy gods at SexToys.com. Thank them.

HOW DO YOU ENTER?
Send an email to faketwats@sextoys.com. We will not publish your name, nor will we use email addresses for any reason other than notifying winners.

ONLY ONE ENTRY PER PERSON!
We have to get to the magic number of 253. I will sort the entrants by name to make sure none of you all try and double-dip.

IMPORTANT:
Sextoys.com will not publish your name or any personal information, nor will we sell, share or use your email for promotional or sales purposes. Prizes are shipped in plain boxes with no mention of Sextoys.com, or invoices with information on what is inside.

Weekly entries will be accepted immediately and weekly drawings will be held on Thursdays using entries on hand.

By entering the contest, you certify that you are of legal age to receive a sex toy and that sex toys may be delivered to the jurisdiction in which you live.  Contestants must be at least 18 years of age (21 years of age in some jurisdictions).

ELIGIBILITY:
No purchase is necessary to enter.  Employees of Sextoys.com and any affiliated companies are not eligible to enter or win prizes.  You must be 18 years of age (21 in some jurisdictions) or older to enter.

The contest is open to residents of the United States of America and CANADA ONLY. (Sorry to all of our fans in Azerbaijan. I know you have been waiting for the rubber twat giveaway. Maybe next time. Or maybe not.)

WARRANTY:
Sextoys.com offers no warranty on prizes.

So I wanted to start doing an easy, fun, weekly contest.

What I am going to do is put a picture up each Monday and you either have to fill in the thought bubble or caption the picture.

The best will be picked on Fridays and given a 10% discount on SexToys.com or 30 free minutes on SexToys.com VOD.

This weeks picture to caption her thought bubble:

You have until Friday…

Go.

In what had become a well publicized exchange between Steve Jobs and Ryan Tate over at Gawker.com, Jobs uttered these words through his fingers:

“Yep, freedom from programs that steal your private data. Freedom from programs that trash your battery. Freedom from porn. Yep, freedom. The times they are a changin’, and some traditional PC folks feel like their world is slipping away.”

So the group Freedom From Porn took to the streets of San Francisco a few weeks ago during Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference to alter some Apple advertising…

Sweet…

So I wanted to start doing an easy, fun, weekly contest.

What I am going to do is put a picture up each Monday and you either have to fill in the thought bubble or caption the picture.

The best will be picked on Fridays and given a 10% discount on SexToys.com or 30 free minutes on SexToys.com VOD.

This weeks picture to caption her thought bubble:

You have until Friday…

Go.

(Gratuitous use of a loosely related sexually tantalizing image.)

So there’s a chance you heard about how the 2010 FIFA World Cup began last weekend. There has been a HUGE media push. I think the rest of the world wonders what the fuck is wrong with us (for many reasons, on may fronts) but especially our complete puzzlement about the phenom of “futbol.” The much hyped US v. England match ended in a tie, which was huge for us.

But no one here really cares about that, do you?

If you are here you want tits and ass and pussy and smut and porn. And since I wouldn’t want to deprive anyone of what they want, I dug up a few appropriate movies and toys in case your love of soccer and love of smut cross paths.

Read the rest of this entry »

So I was cruising on the interwebs and came across this blogpost about 10 Things That Porn Gets Wrong. And I felt some type of way about it. So I thought I would rebuttal it. This isn’t saying the author of the post (Nout) is wrong, this is just my response.

I will address each of her points, (and make a suggestion) but to read her explanation you will have to check out her blogpost.

1. The performers look like they belong in a police lineup.
   When the stars look too perfect, people complain it’s not realistic. When it’s realistic, people complain it’s not not enough like a fantasy.
   Suggested:
   

A lot of fake sex sounds.
See, some people like different things. Some people like and get wild when they fuck. Some are more silent. I agree that at times it’s way over the top, but sometimes it’s called for.
Suggested:


2. Spitting.
   I like spitting. Doing the spitting or having a girl spit in my mouth. Weird? Maybe. But why does what someone dislikes make porn bad?
   Suggested:
   
3. You hear and/or see the director in the background of a scene.
   Uhm, gonzo? Guessing you aren’t a fan. But I like BTS stuff too. Not to mention the scene in one of my all-time favorites where Dave Navarro directs Sasha Grey in one scene on each set.
   Suggested:
   
4. Crappy audio.
   Agreed. But… Sometimes the audio and/or video isn’t meant to look or feel like a Spielberg film. It’s supposed to be gritty. It’s not supposed to sound like it was shot on a soundstage.
   Suggested:
   
5. Shaky camera footage, blurry scenes, plain bad production values.
   Of course. But is this really one that “porn gets wrong”? I mean have you ever seen Night Train To Mundo Fine? No reason to take all of Hollywood to task over a bad film here or there.
   Suggested:
   
6. Jokingly awful background music.
   Of course! But you do know this is porn, righ? Next you might be annoyed by all the sex they are having in the movie…
   Suggested:
   
7. Terrible editing.
   Again, I’m with you. But are we really going to cast the net on the industry as a whole? Some have some really exceptional editing as well. Why not talk about how great of a job porn does at editing?
   Suggested:
   
8. The sets look like they were assembled by a 5-year-old.
   It’s 2010. Yes there amateur stuff, but the sets and locations have gotten exponentially more impressive. There are some that are on par with Hollywood films. So to suggest that the sets are all horrible is grossly inaccurate. Do me a favor, next time you have a kid and they turn five, have them put together something that resembles the set of my suggested movie.
   Suggested:
   
9. Porn logic.
   Agreed. But, different strokes for different folks. And in today’s day and age variety is the spice of life and several other cliches. But my point. Some get right into the wham-bam-throw it in the turd cutter-thank you ma’am sex, but with so many options out there, there’s plenty to choose from.
   Suggested:
   

Now I don’t even make porn but I took offense to some of this. Primarily because of the lumping together of all porn. Six of these could immediately be eliminated by choosing particular studios or company’s with higher production values. But if you are buying your porn in the back room of a movie rental store where you have to slip through the door in the back for the adult section and have to navigate the VHS boxes on the shelf… You are kind of getting what you are looking for and paying for.

In any event, to lump it all in together when porn is such a wide open market these days just goes to feed and reinforce the not always true stereotypes.