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Review: Discovering Alexis Texas

Discovering Alexis Texas
Studio: Belladonna
Directors: Belladonna and Aiden
Stars: Belladonna, Nina Hartley, Chris Charming, Steve Holmes, Scott Lyons, Mick Blue, Alexis Texas

I like to give a little explanation why I pick the movies I do. It’s not because I am told which ones, it’s not because I am paid to review certain titles or give them a good or bad review. Usually the reasons are a little more quirky. And boring. Like why am I watching Discovering Alexis Texas? Well, for one, she’s hot and has a great big ass. And I haven’t reviewed anything with her and she’s definitely hot and deserving. But the real reason is my friend Matt Millz. Millz is in love with Alexis Texas. Wanted her contact information. When I asked him if he had it what he would do with it if he really had her email or cell, the best he could come up with is “I would tell her if she’s ever in Philly that I would take her out for a nice dinner.” I’m not a pornstar. Well at least I don’t get paid to fuck on film. But I am guessing that dudes pretty much take two routes when trying to fuck a porn star. One is the huge cock/never-been-fucked-like-I-would-fuck-you route. The other is the nice guy/friend route, which clearly Millz was going for. In either case, Matt doesn’t have her contact info. But he asked me if it would be weird if he bought the Alexis Texas Pussy & Ass toy that is coming out from Doc Johnson. I told him no.

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Review: The Sex Files

The Sex Files
Studio: Digital Sin
Director: Sam Hein
Stars: Aurora Snow, Evan Stone, Rod Fontana, Jackie Daniels, Kimberly Kane, Tori Lane, Anthony Rosano, Audrey Bitoni, Ashlynn Brooke, Pike Nelson, Angelica Raven, Charley Chase, Taylor Vixen, Gracie Glam

I would be remiss in the golden age of spoof and parody in porn not to review the big winner at this year’s AVN Awards for Best Parody. This year’s distinction went to Sam Hein’s The Sex Files. One of the things that sets this movie apart from the rest of the parody pack is the fact it isn’t based on the usual sitcom theme most movies recreate. While not taking anything away from the fun, funny, campiness and ease of drawing laughs of lampooning a comedy, attempting to spoof a science fiction television series with a diehard cult following is no easy task. Yet Digital Sin decided to give it a try, with apparently successful results. Is it possible to put together a well crafted smut film that appeals to both fans of the show and those who may not be too familiar with the original? And here’s my disclosure: While I am a huge fan of porn, I was not a huge fan of the X-Files. I did watch it a bunch. It wasn’t as if I disliked it. But I wasn’t a card carrying fan of the show. I think it’s important to note so you know where I am coming from and to see if The Sex Files still holds up.

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Review: Official Jersey Shore Parody

Official Jersey Shore Parody.com
Studio: Zero Tolerance Entertainment
Directors: Brian Bangs & Spock Buckton
Stars: Mark Wood, Lisa Ann, Mick Blue, Tommy Gunn, Anthony Rosano, James Deen, Mikey Butders, Lexi Love, Kristina Rose, Ann Marie Rios, Rocco Reed, Spock Buckton, Kagney Linn Karter, Mellanie Monroe, Sara Sloane, Mike Pacino

Ok, I have a small confession. I only saw part of one episode of Mtv’s Jersey Shore. When I finally got around to seeing what the hype was about, I was not disappointed. It was as horrible as I thought and expected. I think people who watched the show fell into one of two categories: those who wanted to party with the guidos and guidettes and the people who watched to make fun of them. The later is forgivable. Barely. I mean I watch a ton of dumb shit on tv. And that was the fucking dumbest. But inevitable as the porn world turns and the deluge of parodies it was a matter of no time before someone got the brilliant idea to turn the most viewed show in Mtv’s history into a porn spoof.

In fact it was so obvious there were at least two camps that rushed to get this out the door. Spock Buckton and Brian Bangs from PopPorn shot this version for Zero Tolerance while Taryn Thomas and her production company Taryn It Up Entertainment teamed with Adam & Eve to shoot Jersey Shore XXX. Words were exchanged between the camps and most people just sat back and watched the showmanship. Even the mainstream press picked up on the tiff. I confess that I haven’t seen Thomas’ interpretation of the reality show either, but for now I am here to pick apart ZT’s version.

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Review: Squirt Gangbang Vol. 4

Squirt Gangbang 4
Studio: Elegant Angel
Director: William H.
Stars: Jada Fire, Annie Cruz, Flower Tucci, Dana DeArmond, Lexi Love, Sindee Jennings, Britney Stevens, Chayse Evans

As I have said before, I’m not a huge fan of girl-on-girl action. For some reason it leaves me even more frustrated than a night at the strip club. (I say probably because somehow, someway I did fuck a stripper who is the hottest girl I have ever slept with when her shift ended at the strip club. She must have been having a really bad week because she was totally out my league. Everyone has an off night and a lucky night. Ours just came together. Lucky for me. Sara at DiCarlo’s, what’s up? Call me!) At least there while I know I am probably not banging any of the girls on stage, when I watch girl on girl porn I know I will not get to see any cock in any pussy and I feel like what’s the point right from the beginning. It’s not that it’s a turn off, it’s just not a huge turn on. What IS a huge turn on, are girls that squirt. Squirt buckets. Not cloudy with a light chance of drizzle, I’m talking 100% torrential downpour. So what I’m thinking is maybe one will offset the other and eight smoking girls fucking each other until they skeet skeet will do the trick.

I know it has to be good. It was nominated at the 2010 AVNs for Best All-Girl Group Sex Scene and for Most Outrageous Sex Scene. It won for Best Squirting Release. It’s pretty much the same lineup as others in the series, but it’s far from tired. The reason the same girls are frequently used is because it works. There is a level of chemistry or of knowing how one another “works.”

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Review: Home Made Masturbation

Home Made Masturbation
Studio: Homemade Media
Stars: Leah Livingston, Vanessa Cruz, Page Adams, Alex Love, Chrisette Exotic, Parish

So… what to choose, what to watch? For this week’s epic installment in porn theater 2010, I dug deep in the smutbag for something not so flashy, not so glossy, but with the hopes that it might have the same mind-numbing, sack-emptying effect. I found Home Made Masturbation from Homemade Media. Six girls I wasn’t familiar with, but by the looks of it, would get a chance to get up close and personal. Shot gonzo style, the ladies would entertain the camera, cameraman and you, rubbing their twats with toys to get both themselves and the view off. But would they be successful?

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